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Just a glimpse. It's rather that recently over the past few days I've been feeling like just putting it out there. Just a glimpse, as it has been about two years since something so fundamentally transformational had taken place that it was sure to set us on our divergent paths and thereby doom us.
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Know this. I truly loved you and there was no one else that had my attention like you had with me. Since this is about me all I can say is that you were distracted, yes a vague word but anything else would be harsh, by thinking there was someone else more important than you.
There was. It was me. All I can say is that whatever was happening inside of me was the "true wedge" between us.
I tried so hard not to show that I believed such that a wedge could exist and that because I loved you, solely in that way, I allowed us to try and continue again. Why did I do that? Could have been denial or could have been the strong forces of love I had for you.
I still love you but as time would have it the strong emotional and forces dissipate through time. You did so much for me as I suffered so badly in so many ways I wouldn't even know how to thank you or repay you in person. The changes that were happening inside my head, heart and soul, while ultimately being good for me, would be destructive to "us" over the long run and eventually in the end.
I was changing inside and you didn't see coming. I needed time, still do, in discovering me.
I believe I would have hindered you in many ways and ultimately what parts of the old me, trying to be careful here, that I saw in you were part of an inner conflict, my own, that I had to deal with alone in solitude. I didn't want you to suffer anymore on my -- I had to let go.
Our conflicts were evidence of the potential storm that was brewing. There were some shitty things just thrown out there in the end maybe to hurt me or maybe the truth - I don't know and at that time couldn't be shaken. I was not biting as I was past the denial.
The best part is, as I do love you, it is easy to forgive. I'm sure you're doing well, as am I, not so much by worldly measures but inside I am healing and feeling great -- occasionally when asked I've been known to say, "That I've never had it so good!
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Looking back at the forces of change I can honestly say I couldn't have been with anyone and finally acting on those better thoughts and inspiration I haven't been since you. It's all good and I've never had it so good! Good guy I'm a college student living in Bellingham.
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